Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Pretending to Be Normal

What is "normal"? The word at the very center of our everyday conversations with people about other people. "He isn't normal." "why doesn't she act normal?" "Is that normal?" "Well, that person can't be normal because they just blah blah blah." Do we really know what normal means? Do we even understand it so totally that we can encompass it into our everyday use? How do we know if we are even normal ourselves? Do doctors,therapist,psychologist,etc begun to understand what normal really is? According to the Webster NORMAL-http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal after reading all those definitions for normal, I'm about as UN NORMAL as they come!!! Hence why I "pretend to be normal"

Yes, pretend to be normal. How you may say? Or even why would I want to do that or do I do that? Because it is so much easier to "conform" to society's rules of what is normal then to really be free to be myself. If I was to be myself many people would think I was a lot worse then I am with my disorder. So many people (friends,family) still don't see my problem because I don't let them. I don't want to deal with the questions any more. I don't want to hear about help anymore, I don't want to be nagged to death to stop doing something that I enjoy (like flapping,or rocking,or just zoning out). So I pretend to be normal when I with others. I sit there, listen, talk a few words,try and look them in the eye and then I go about my merry way. Once I'm alone I can finally feel free. Free to flap,jump,spin,laugh,rock,zone,stim out to my little heart is so content that I am glowing with joy. No need to look anybody in the eyes, no need to try and figure out what the heck they are saying that makes no sense. I can just relax my mind and feel free in my own world.

Then again is it normal to suppress yourself? Is that what being normal really is being about??? To suppress the very essence of your soul just to make others happy?? To feel as if everything you do has to be thought out, am I talking right? Did I say anything I wasn't supposed to? Did I look at them when I spoke to them? Did I stand to close to the person, do I say hello or do I wait, hold the door open for the person or just let it close? See what comes so natural for everyone Else is so cumbersome for me. I literally have to think out things before I do them. Even talking. If you ask me a question half the time the real answer i want to tell you doesn't come to me until about 3 minutes after you ask the question, but for "normal" sake I just have a whole bunch of little back up answers that I use for everyday conversations, because I know that if people had to wait for me to give them the answer they would think 1. i didn't hear them 2. i was being rude by not answering them or 3. i was zoning out and they would try to call my name as I am trying to give them the answer. So I have the good old backup which are: yes, no, may be, I don't know, yep everything is fine thanks, sounds good to me, OK, no problem, sure I'll do it, uh-huh, and my favorite the smile and nod. So if talking and answering questions wasn't enough, lets add in my body in space. Meaning that my spatial awareness is very off and my balance STINKS..spatial awareness is the kinesthetic understanding of the space around you as well as how your body moves through the space. My understanding of the space around my body is about as much as a 5 year old understands Einsteins theory of relativity. I am always bumping into something,knocking something down, tripping over my own feet,falling UP the stairs, hopping all over the place trying to get pants on, bumping into people in the stores, etc. So I walk on my toes at times because it helps me to feel myself better, I feel my body better because of the pressure. The down side of this is two fold. 1. it can ruin your feet and really hurt them later in life and 2. our great understand of NORMAL is that people don't walk on their tippy toes! So, when in public i try to walk the normal way feet on the ground one in front of the other blah blah...and what happens?? I trip, I fall, i knock into people..but all this can be fixed if I COULD JUST BE MYSELF!!!! Once I'm on my tip toes I feel that pressure and know where my feet are. As far as the rest of my body you may ask? Well that's a different story..I have to think about what I'm doing before I do it basically it's as simple as that. I just have to think about it before i do it to prepare my body to do it.
NORMAL? I think not. I rather think I am the complete opposite of normal. I even think on a different level then most "normal" people. I am much more logical then other people, I don't see the point of debating with someone over small nothings, or even larger things. Everyone has a right to their opinions and to be able to think differently as long as it makes logical sense. I can't see the point of using foul language to get a point across (If you have to use curse words to increase your vocabulary function then I think it's time you went back to school to learn a few words instead of using foul language which only makes you sound like someone who is ignorant rather then intelligent), I don't understand why people talk about the same subject or problem over and over again even 10 years after it happens. It happened get over it or deal with it when it happens don't constantly bring it up and waste time with things that don't make a difference now. I can't see the reason behind people talking so LOUD to make a point. Is talking louder really going to get others to listen to you? No, it's only going to make them want to not listen to the person. My other favorite is when people don't listen to reason or logic. If someone is telling you something that makes good logical sense why not listen to them? How about the person who says they do everything because they just want to do it with nothing in return? Why say it to another person if you don't want anything? You wouldn't. You would just keep your mouth shut and do it. So I think differently then most people. Even my own gender. I don't think with emotion I think with logic. I rationalize my thoughts, I just don't go with the flow.
So when I hear the word "normal" it really drives me haywire because 80% to 95% of people are not normal at all. Just look around at how many people do things that make no sense at all. Is it normal to buy your dog clothes? Clothes for a dog? COME ON NOW!! Dogs don't NEED clothes, put we put our emotions into them and think that they do. Why? Because we feel our dogs can feel like we do, think like we do and want like we do. Reality check...THEY DON'T! They are an animal, the think on instinct not emotions. How about the many people who so obsessed with having to have the new craze..say the IPOD,IPHONE,or the many other IProducts out there. Everyone has to have one. Why? Because it's part of that "herd" mentality. If so and so has one I have to have one. That's not normal, that playing follow the leader that can't even lead him or herself down a one way street.
So the next time you think your "normal" may be you should think twice and remember nobody is normal. We are who we are, and we just need to understand each other better rather then judging others who don't fit your standard of normal.

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